I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
