Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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