Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
