I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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