Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
