i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
