i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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