I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
