I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
