i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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