mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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