I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
