ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
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