By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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