In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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