I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
