I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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