every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
