You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
