***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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