I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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