I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
There's always time for handjobs
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?