this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch