Hey man sorry I got all grabby
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
