During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
