Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
