U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
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