I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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