No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
operation have a gay friend backfired
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
