He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
