Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
