just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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