There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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