Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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