Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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