i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
