Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You made out with two different species that night
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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