she is the kim kardashian of front butts
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
