Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
