I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
