Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
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