Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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