I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
