Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
