Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
