at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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