i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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