Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
you had me at cake vodka
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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