Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
