Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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