so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
