Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
