I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
