community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
