dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
