to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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