6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My dad just said "fuck circus"
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