Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
